They don't make shovels that big

A 9 month check in

Months ago I described grief pretty well - the ball in the jar. In the beginning, it fills the jar and subsequent life is about making the jar bigger.

I’ve went back to that ball a few times in subsequent blogs ……. But of late a new analogy is starting to form in my mind…….

By now you are busy making that jar bigger - new activities, new rituals, new friends, new outlets … whatever

It’s like you’re trying to fill in a hole………trying to fill in the emptiness.

And you are ………… you do… you try……….. you shovel up this, shovel up that, throw that in …………and like a black hole in space it gobbles it up……...and it remains there – sucking in the universe.

The gaping hole remains.

You shovel. More of this, more of that - to fill in the hole in your chest.  You know the feeling I speak of.

You can’t fill in the hole………. because that part of you will never be whole again.

You must face that………… and embrace that you have suffered a loss and it will never be put back. Ever.

So we must go forward.

Maybe in some ways life beyond loss is kind of like a critter that molts it old skin and emerges anew……  

There is an old version of you …. with her/him and that old you is gone now because the best part of that old you is gone too.

You are not the same you. The old you is gone. Embrace that.

The new version of you still feels all the love, memories and emotions of the old you but now – that part of your life is held in a special place.

It’s a place you can visit. It’s a place you can laugh. It’s a place you can smile and it is a place you can cry………

….…… and it is a place where you can, if you are strong, grab the full weight of her memory in your hands and your heart … and feel its power. 

That full embrace of the grief is so powerful – like day 1…. always like day 1.

         This is a special place however - it’s a place no one can enter  - no matter what ….. no matter who …….. or how. Only you.

None of life after touches the special place. Ever. It is exalted.

I think there will never be shovels big enough to fill this kind of loss.

I think we have to embrace that emptiness and turn it into something useful……..or at least turn it into something we can adorn the special place with.

I don’t think it leaves us, but I think maybe it helps transform us into better versions of ourselves.

And hopefully that new version of ourself, can, with a smile - continue to adorn the special place with memories as they are remembered.