The biggest monster of all

In my fight to save Cathy I often thought of challenges as monsters … or dragons as I referred to them.

At 12:23pm on January 1^st 2025, my bride left me – I was holding her hand. I knew she was leaving me soon ………… I unlocked her bed wheels that morning and moved her bed into the sun’s rays as they poured in through the window.

I must have made umpteen number of adjustments keeping her face in the sun. I was happy the clouds parted. I was worried they would not…. But they did and they warmed my bride’s face at the very end of her life.  

She did leave me – It did not matter how much I held her hand, how much I cried, how many stupid charts I made on the wall tracking everything…….it did not matter  - none of it mattered.

She left me anyway. No words, no signs, no struggles -  she just left – the rise and fall of her chest just stopped – and she was gone.  

I saw this train coming from a long way off … but just because you can see the train coming, doesn't make it hurt any less – it still hits with all its force – you cannot lessen it or be better prepared for it when it finally arrives.

Grief is a powerful emotion – but it is not like a monster, it is not like a dragon. Monsters can be killed. Dragons, although formidable can be killed with the right armor piercing arrow launched from a giant bow.

I don’t think grief is like that. Grief is like the cold of winter.

Our little farmhouse here at LBF was built in the 1920s. She is a little drafty despite our best efforts.

At the center of the house is a Lopi Stove insert into the double sided brick chimney that runs right up the middle of the house. It was the last improvement Cathy, and I made in 2018.

Over the years Cathy and I tinkered with ways to cut down drafts in the house  - curtains, sliding doors, blankets closing of rooms etc etc.

The real warmth of the house is in the center – LR, DR and kitchen where the stove pumps warm air into the space. It keeps the center toasty while the bedroom and upstairs are … well – not so much toasty.

But honestly, that’s been ok, because Cathy always liked to sleep in the cool air – we’ve always liked it chilly with lots of blankets to pile up in.

This last year has not been different - Cathy still wanted it cold at night – heck I ran an air conditioner in the winter to keep that way.  

In the toasty part of the house you always know when you need more wood on the fire or when the temps are dropping outside because you can feel the cold creeping in.

You don’t want to stray too far from the stove or it slips in on you… you can feel it creeping up your legs …………it’s just there, it is actually everywhere the heat isn’t. It fights the shrink the circle of warmth

Grief is like that.

You can keep the stove hot a number of ways  - you can clean, organize , re-organize again  - you can hurry along busying yourself  - but stop and the paralyzing cold grips you.

It is inescapable – you cannot run from it, you cannot organize your way out it , you cannot honor your way out of it either.

It is unkillable.

 If it was only a simple dragon, it would be much easier.