Big and Small

The Spring of 19 was a glorious time. Cathy and I had the house remodel behind us, having moved in just before Christmas a few months earlier. We were so excited to start working on our dreams.

It was a busy time, trying to rotate sheep in half-fenced pastures. My wife was such a trooper—I’d drive posts, and she would equip herself with a bucket full of insulators, a hammer, and earbuds and take off—we were a fencing machine.

Cathy and I fenced this whole farm in 2019 – me driving, her insulating and running wire. We were so excited to be doing it. At night we would crash, exhausted but fulfilled by a good day's work.

I have fond memories of those days. I did not deserve a girl as good as her and truthfully didn’t realize it at the time.

I realize it now. I look back on this past year with anger – anger about what life did to my bride. I long for the days of returning home from work something and having her there to kiss and say – “hey babe how was your morning”.

I long to see her again. That feeling never leaves me, ever.

Somedays I run into something, and the great wall of water comes raging down again….... it is so hard to believe she is no longer here – no longer beside me. It is unfathomable sometimes.

That Spring and subsequent Springs thereafter - I remember thinking, “This place is not so big…. it’s not big enough – the land, the home – all of it too small.

Now without Cathy with me – this place is a black hole of emptiness, and it is so big. I look out and feel swallowed by it all.

With Cathy I was a giant that could gaze upon my domain with prideful dreams …………without her I feel smaller and alone – fearful of the vast emptiness that lurks in every corner.

Please visit me again – feel my nostrils with your sweet scent of spice one more time.

I love you and miss you Punkin' Bread.