Silence, Anger, Honor and the will to fight on

Silence is deafening.

One of the remarkably ever-present noises in this little farmhouse is the deafening quiet.

There is no nothing.  Whether clean or dirty, organized or not – the old house remains silent – always.

Anyway, I thought I’d check in on grief and write about how I feel at 3 months .. or almost 3 months – 2 months and 21 days since cancer took my sweet Cathy from me…. from all of us.

….my anger never subsides on that score. It is a deep seeded resentful anger toward God, toward the universe, toward the powers of good in the world - about how Miss Cathy was treated. 

Such a sweet soul who gave all of herself to this earth and the people around her. She was ruthlessly mistreated by whatever powers govern this life.  

I will always be angry on that score.

But that is not why I am writing ……… I did want to account for that.

3 months ……. How am I?  I don’t know really - I do know there is not a minute of my present day that does not have thoughts of Cathy in it

I do find time to do other things that try and make the jar bigger – but she is there…. Some moments blaring, some faint…. But always present.

The other day I was doing something that Cathy used to do, I can’t recall what is was exactly, but a memory popped into my head - and I laughed - it was something funny she had said in the past and I laughed in the present.

I remember thinking – that is a good thing……some surprise memories - a Facebook post about a hike in Austria 8 years ago pops or you are rummaging around in a drawer and find a trinket or something else and it stops you.

 It locks you into outer space and eventually you break free from its gravity.

And then there are the laughing ones.  I like those better - perhaps their frequency will increase.

You know, it’s probably easy to turn your life in to a memorial about the ones we lose … to pine and stifle life beyond – but that’s not right.

I was talking to a friend who had lost her husband a few years back (we have tea together and I value our counsel)

and she remarked about a widow page on Facebook that she used to frequent but now only glances at occasionally – she felt sadness for those who cannot move on with what remains of their own life on this earth …..

Sadness that they somehow tie everything around them to the memory of the one they lost.

The ones we lose would not want that.

… they would want us to live. To live what is and what remains of our life on this earth.

 ……….to carry on the dreams, to build new ones and to do it with them in a way and without them in a way --- I think we honor those lost by doing our best to be our best at what ever life throws us.

So - anyway, I will never frequent a widower page on face book.

I will man up and do my best to be my best and in doing so I will honor and cherish the memory of my sweet Cathy - this is the only thing I know to do to help me crawl out of the trench of grief.

I love you my Sweet – I am fighting. I will get there. And some day I will see you again.

ps - for the reader - that photo is Cathy throwing away the key to a lock of love we had placed on that famous bridge in Verona, Italy. I know where the lock is and someday will go back and find it.