Rowboats and Canoes

You have heard me say this before in parts of other blogs – that after 35+ years there is little about you that is just you. After a while you two kind of become one. Not unlike a little rowboat…. Each of you doing your part to propel your life in the direction you want to go.

When you lose your spouse of 35+ years - there is still a boat (sometimes you think there is not) but it only has one oar……… this lone oar has a hard time getting the boat to go… in any direction really. It just kind of aimlessly goes in circles looking for a vector.

My beautiful Cathy left this world 6 months ago and since her death I’ve felt like that aimless little rowboat…. No longer can the little boat set a vector and go that way - it really doesn’t even have a vector anymore.  

So, despite your smiles & “I’m oks” – you kind of go around in circles looking for that new objective in the horizon so that you can propel yourself towards it. Part of you has been ripped away and you are lost.

I think this sense of “lost” must be normal. In my grief journey - I sometimes get a fleeting sense of commanding the boat again ……. You do little things for you, and you reflect – “that was good”.

I suppose the little boat will be caught by the gravity of the big ball in the jar from time to time  - but hopefully it will be able to negotiate those challenges and re-find a vector.  

And just maybe it will someday transform itself into a canoe…. and the J stroke will carry it in the direction it has decided is right.

I miss you baby.  I am no good without you.