I can buy myself flowers

I can buy myself flowers

A few weeks ago I had a health event connected to an old Army injury in my neck.   

    In short, I woke in the night with pain between my shoulder blades – you know the feeling when you get a crick in your back that’s so sever you can hardly draw a full breath… very intense, but if you can pop it out – your fine. – you likely know the feeling I speak of. … well, the problem was I could not pop it out.

I walked around the house with my right arm over my head at 0230, walking around, running myself into the wall, hanging over the arm of the couch – anything to get this thing to release. It sucked. Nothing gave me relief.

To make matters worse, my right arm was numb, and I could not grip anything with the right hand.

Here is the funny thing … this was a kill day- for turkeys, not chickens.

Notwithstanding the pain I was in, I was also running thru options on what we were going to do.  A one-armed kill man does not work.  It’s 0300.

Now killing on LBF is a pretty routine event. I wake at 0300, make coffee, go light the scalder and wait for my other kill man to show up.  Erik – typically shows about 0345. We have great morning ritual… I make coffee and he brings a couple of sausage biscuits made from LBF pork and fried that morning.  We eat a biscuit, drink a cup and talk about something  - and its usually got nothing to do with chicken.    

By 0400 were headed to the field to load birds. We are back at the kill facility by 0500/ 0515 and the goal is always start killin by 0530.  We generally have all 200 killed and on ice by 0700 when girl power shows up. 

Girl power – a team of ladies who ………..well…. Are my QAQC department. No man on my team dare bless a bird to go here or there –   ……….oh no, that  is the purview of woman  - a woman who happens to be a protégé of the late Cathy Jacobi – the farm’s ultimate QAQC boss.  

Anyway, I digress…. So, its 0300 and I am banging myself against the wall, hanging over the couch  still trying to break loose. Nothing

My Army brain kicks in – “Kevin – make a plan/ make a decision”.

My plan – wait for my kill man to show up and get him to walk on my back and try to break this free. If unsuccessful – turn the kill over to the team.

As I reflect on that morning ………..I laugh my ass off.  How funny it must have looked  to have 2 country dudes in the living room floor  - all geared up to kill turkeys – yet find themselves playing chiropractor  with a set of Red Wing boots.   That’s funny as hell.

God bless my man Erik for trying to help – "step here, jump there, straddle me and jam your fist into the center of my back".

 “Shit – this ain’t working boss”   I still laugh when I think about it. What a good man.

When chiropractic shenanigans failed, I looked at Erik and said – "dude – you are on your own. You are going to lead this kill effort….  And I am going to the hospital".

Erik is a jolly fellow. A country dude who is always upbeat, He is young – in his 30s, and is always smiling about something.

When I told Erik – he was now in charge of the kill and the team - his demeanor changed. He was not smiling – but very alert and looking me in the eye as I talked. His eyes were wide open ….. he listened.

“Roger”………… “ yes sir”……….. “right”……….  He consumed every word.

Then without hesitation -   he said "OK -  I got this". I am going to make a couple phone calls and get another dude in here while you wait for Terry to come take you to the hospital.

    Crisis always strips bear the veneer of life and exposes the solid rock of a man’s character.

I am proud of  Erik – a young father of 2 – Lane, 4 and Lacy , 1.5.  He is the husband to a cute coop girl who used to take care of land basket farm needs years back, her name is Chelsea – and my late wife was like another mother to her. They were close.

This is the only couple outside of my Son Charles and his wife Kayla to ever wed on Land basket farm ( because, at the time my late wife told me to shut up and color. Which I did).

Ok I digress again. 

 This was 2 weeks ago, and I am still being evaluated and the right arm is still kind of numb, but MRI is complete and I am waiting on a call for someone to explain what they find.

     So………….. Back to the main story. This morning after my run I decide to restart the weight training I was doing before the incident . Light stuff, very basic. What I discovered was that my right arm could not do the push ups, the right arm did not hold  the weight. The left tried to compensate.

Now imagine an Army guy’s psyche when he realizes he can’t do pushups …. something he has done for 30 years.

I panicked  .. there in the dark on that country road behind my car ( my new found gym of late)  

“What the heck “   “what if I don’t recover” ….  “What about the farm work……, what about holding Penelope ………. What if ……. ?

For some time, there in the dark my lizard brain ran wild with how screwed I was…………….

And then……….. like the Mylie Cyrus’ song  - I realized……………

………………………... that I can buy myself flowers.

I realized …………that I have free will to decide what to do…. And what not to do.

and once I remembered that key question to ask myself ……. “What if it all works out ? ”  

I was better. 

Yeah – What if it all works out ?    -  You can get doctored, you can restart, rebuild whatever is broke…………there is no sense in wringing my hands over something that has not happened.  

      What did I share that with you ?    Things happen to us. And when they do,  remember what Mylie Cyrus said in her song  ………

….” You can buy yourself flowers” …………. You can choose anxiety  or you can choose feelings connected to the notion that  -

“It just might all work out" 

Life can be hard on its own, Don’t wring your hands over shit that hasn’t happened. 90% of the anxiety people carry is created by their own brain.

What if it all works out  ?  How would you feel then ?