disbelief

I am doing better with making the jar bigger…. An aggressive farm calendar, growth, running, planning trips to see my granddaughter, thinking about grass fed beef…. Lots of stuff helps add noise to the deafening quiet of the little farmhouse.

It is so quiet.

So yes better, but some days Cathys loss hits like a train.

I am doing something, and I see a photo or something & I am overcome by disbelief.

She really is gone and she really is never coming back. She will never say anything about the mess you have in the kitchen or the bathroom door you have not fixed. Nothing… ever again.

It is so unreal, but the sobering reality bears down with a great weight. It is real and life will never be the same. Ever.

Those moments happen often regardless of how much noise I make.

And now that I am exploring the little farmhouse more, I find whole rooms of her. Stuff everywhere – drawers, closets of stuff with no owner.

The stuff stays put for now. I know not what to do except close the door.  Someday maybe.

I love you sweety, I miss you every day.

For the reader: the picture is of our last military tour in southern Germany. Cathy and I learned to ski that tour... we had so much fun together.