Beads. Life a year later.

It’s been a year since Miss Cathy was taken from me - From us. Over the year, I have tried to check in every few months on grief because it was therapeutic, and I wanted to give you a glimpse of how I am doing without you having to ask. And for me, I think writing about this journey may be helpful to another person someday.

I remember when I knew definitively that we were losing Cathy – a friend gave me a book. A book about death. It had been with him since his wife’s death a few years back – another cancer victim. This was Tim’s way of helping me... a passing of the help torch, so to speak.  

It was helpful. And although my wife’s death did not play out exactly like the book, it helped guide me. I suspect every death holds its own uniqueness for the ones left standing. 

It’s been a full year now, and I must say that Cathy’s closets remain intact. I have not touched them. Dresses, blouses, scarves, coats, shoes – all of it….I closed the doors back then and said - not now.

That was a year ago. I am starting to open doors and look around. I can stay there now for longer periods of time.

I can navigate photos too. I never disabled the Facebook app on my iPhone to stop showing me the memories ……….I let that faucet keep flowing. Cathy pops up all the time. Mostly, I smile now and remember that memory. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry.

I don’t hear the big wall of water raging toward me as ubiquitously as before ……..but big waves do chase me on occasion.

Nowadays, sorrow and sadness sneak up on you when you are not paying attention…. Drifting off in song, going through a stack of photos. Telling someone a story about Cathy – confident at first, losing it later.

 It does sneak up on you, but it is not as paralyzing as it used to be.

I have grappled with the emotion or feeling I have nowadays in my grief journey. I should probably read a book…. Or maybe write one.

Anyway, I am starting to settle in on it. It’s loneliness at its core. Yeah, I think it's loneliness…….and it has its own gravitational pull …. Just like the ball in the jar.

Like the big shovels blog, you try to fill in the hole… with all kinds of things …. Actions, events, people. You go out or stay in… your life crosses other people’s lives. Are you shoveling? Or are you looking?

Who knows … & I don’t think it matters. Either way, I do believe the emotion is loneliness ………and it can’t really be fixed. Not really.

A friend of mine explained it best. She had lost her husband a few years back and now has a man friend, and they spend a lot of time together – but maintain their own lives. She explained:

“You see, sometime after you lose your spouse, your life begins to intersect with other people's lives, and those intersections take on many forms - friends, acquaintances, a coffee, dates, moments of affection, even intimacy.

When lives intersect more often (aka dating), those intersections are moments in time …………… like beads on a string if you will.

Over time, those beads create chains of beads on the string. Those beads feel good – the chains of beads feel good too – they bring comfort, they soothe, they fill holes and …………….they are addictive – a dopamine hit of intense power.”

Because back in the real world, those people have lives they return to alone……. parts of the string where there is no bead………..it’s just the bear string – the deafening quiet of the house, the now eerie creakiness of that floorboard, that plant you're trying to keep alive on the bureau.

….. that is your real life, and you cannot run from it …… Its reality comes back to you and reminds you that you are still alone, and your love is still gone & new beads cannot replace them.

The string has power ………..it has weight….and you must hold that in your hands…. respect it and honor it. Don’t fear it.

The beads have power too – they feel good, they fight back the cold, they are warm, they are good, and they are a drug we must have.

I now understand stories of how somebody’s mom or dad remarried shortly after loss - that poor bastard was an addict - he could not hold the power of the bear string. Too hard…. Too much.

I guess significant loss is coming to terms with the bear string of your life now. The bear string is not something we run from necessarily, but you cannot create new beads with a love that’s lost.

So, to carry out the remainder of our lives without them, we must become bead builders – creators of those intersections with others……. Be they half-marathon races in other cities, dancing nights out, or date nights with Chocolate/Peanut Butter Ice cream.

Yeah – intersections with friends, family, and companions ……… beads, lots of beads….. all kinds of different beads – like the Pandora bracelets Ms. Cathy used to love so much.

Beads are ok. Don’t run from them…. Don’t hide them and don’t over think them.

Instead, we should embrace them, create them and cherish them until it is our time. 

Heaven can wait.